There comes a time in every mothers life when we make the decision that this one is our last.
We are ready to watch our children learn to talk, walk, explore, and eventually go on to school and all the other wonderful things this world has to offer. This decision is easy for some, for some it is made for them with no choice of their own, and then for others the decision is made, although difficult. But what happens to those of us who make the decision to not have any more children and it is difficult to accept?
Almost a year ago this decision is one I was faced with and the choice seemed simple: tubal ligation (plainly stated I had my “tubes tied”). I was getting ready to go in for my third c-section and figured that since my ob/gyn was already in there she may as well shut the gates for good. I wasn’t planning on cashing in on a TV reality series about how many children I could have, so my husband and I knew that our third daughter was our last for several different reasons. The decision seemed so simple and easy, but then it was done.
I felt broken.
When I was alone in the hospital that evening and was gently snuggling my newest little miracle I felt an overwhemling sense of sadness and loss.
I never thought that I would still mourn the loss of my ability to ever carry another child. Maybe it is because my third baby is about to be 1 in a week and will “technically” no longer be a baby. All of her firsts, are sadly, my lasts. I will never feel that tiny miracle growing inside of me again. I will never experience that first cry again. I will not hold a seconds old baby in my arms and fall in love instantly all over again. The amazing, scary, nervous feeling of leaving the hospital with your new baby is one I wont be able to experience again.
I’m not ready for it to be over. I’m not ready to accept that I will never have another baby.
Now don’t get me wrong, I know I am blessed to even have children to begin with and honestly I wasn’t planning on having anymore. But there is a sinking feeling inside of me just knowing that it’s over. For the last six years of my life I have been devoted to either being pregnant or caring for a baby, both jobs I took pride in and loved every waking second of. Maybe that is why this is so hard. I am still trying to figure out how to come to terms with my feelings and I am not quite there yet. My youngest is almost 1, then 3, and finally 6 years old. There is so much wonder in these ages too. If I focus on the amazing beauty that they fill each day with I will naturally be led to a life of being content with what we have.
Until then I’m going to savor every moment, hug a little longer, tell them how much I love them, and make mental memories of these times too, because before I know it I will wishing for these toddler and school age days to return and the baby days will just be a small chapter in our lives.