I miss the years where my two year old would throw herself on the ground and throw the most epic fits to try to get what she wanted.
I remember being in a grocery store with her screaming at the top of her lungs and I just continued to shop. I was incredibly pregnant with my second child and I had put off going to the grocery store until we had pretty much nothing left in the house. She was just going to have to scream and be upset with me… I needed to get these things done. Despite the looks and trying to get her to calm down I finished my shopping and they opened a special check out lane just for me. However I still miss those days.
Now that screaming little two year old is an eye rolling, sarcastic eleven year old who is stuck in that tween limbo where she is too old to be a little kid and too young to be a teenager.
She’s at that age where she thinks that she knows enough to hang with the older crowd. She’s an old soul that’s for sure, but much to her dismay she can not or is not allowed to do much of what she thinks she should.
I would give anything for her to throw herself on the floor and throw an epic fit because I didn’t let her have that extra snack or I didn’t get her toy that she wanted at the store. I would give anything for that little cherub faced little monster. Now I am faced with the eye rolls and the attitude. I am subjected to the silent treatment and the I hate yous. I thought that the rebellious period was still years away.
So now I try to fight through her walls. I don’t want her to resent me because I didn’t try. I know that there are always going to be speed bumps but I do not want to have more regrets as a mother than I already do. So I try to give her more love and attention. She is such an amazing young woman and I try to tell her that even if she is riding on my last nerve. She has been so amazing and understanding with all that has happened with her brother being sick and I hate to think that she has felt like second fiddle because that is not what we wanted.
I always thought that the mother’s curse was a joke. You know the one that I am talking about, “I hope you have a kid that is just like you!” Well not only is she my clone considering she looks exactly like me only younger and a few inches shorter, but she has my attitude and my tendency to overreact and be overly emotional. When I bring her back to my childhood home my grandmother, (who raised me and was basically my mother), always pokes fun at me saying I am getting exactly the attitude and behaviors that I used to give her when I was the same age. All she can do is laugh.
I know I just have to love her through it. I know that I have to sit down and have those uncomfortable conversations when they are needed. I am trying to do everything in my power to make up for what I did miss when she was younger.
I feel like I was always so worried about having money to make ends meet that I took too much time for granted and I’ve missed too much already.
I just want her to know that I am here.
Regardless of if she wants me near her or around her that is where I am going to be. I’m going to love her as much now as I did when she was my cherub faced little baby girl because no matter how old she is she will always be my little girl and I hope she has a daughter just like her.