The only thing worse that a child throwing up every two hours all night long is the ridiculous and inane advice you will get from your friends, family, and the Internet on how to cope with the vomit situation. To save you the trouble and heartache of seeking the answers on your own, I’ve thoughtfully compiled the very worst possible ideas I’ve ever had to deal with the icky challenge of an upchucking kid. You’re welcome.
What color is the puke? Below you will find a handy chart I put together describing the various hues of emesis. I find it helpful to use the paint chips I steal from various big-box hardware stores to create a palette board I can hold up next to the toilet bowl or bathroom floor to assist me in determining the precise shade.
Sweat it out
Remember the old saying starve a cold, feed a fever? There is a little-known third part to that nugget of folk wisdom: sweat a grumbly tummy. It is a well-known (completely made-up) fact that the best way to cope with frequent kiddo puke is vigorous, grueling, hardcore exercise. This is the ideal time to introduce your toddler to high-intensity interval training, when they are feeling especially vulnerable and open to suggestion. Boot camp style aggressive fitness regimes don’t mind a little regurgitation.
Eat Bulky Identifiable Foods
Sure, I’ve heard the good folks at Yo Gabba Gabba sing the praises of the BRAT diet for stomach upset. It is easy to give my children bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. However, the fact is that when these gentle, easily digestible foods come up again, they are virtually indistinguishable. How will you know what is staying down? I prefer to treat my sick kiddos to the GAWK diet: garbanzo beans, asparagus, walnuts, and kippers. Not only do the distinctive flavors and smells let me test my little trooper’s normalizing palate, each food maintains enough structural integrity to be easily detectable. I will know how long my poor sick monkey is keeping food down! It’s just common sense.
Keep Everyone Updated Constantly
The best way to stay on top of your poor munchkin’s symptoms is to post constant updates to all your social media accounts. I like to keep a spare Instagram account just devoted to the processes of my various children’s illnesses. Your mother-in-law in Phoenix will not know when to panic about little Timmy’s projectile spew if you don’t post vividly descriptive and illustrative accounts every half hour. And while the primary purpose of this posting is to solicit
vital advice and constant sympathy, don’t shy away from making it a crafty expression of your mom-nursing experience. Experiment with filters and photography apps to really glam up the whole vomit journaling operation. I recommend Hudson as my preferred IG filter to really bring out the full spectrum of barf iridescence.