“The BVTMB is getting real this week about a sometimes taboo, but important topic…S-E-X! Our team is sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly…and maybe the humorous and kinky too… about sex after kids in hopes that some of you can relate.”
The Stages of Sex After Kids
It’s amazing how much your life changes after having kids. What’s even more fascinating is how much your sex life can change.
One day you can’t keep your hands off each other and then before you know it, you can’t remember the last time you did it and when he gives you “those eyes” you scrub baby food off your face and hope he won’t notice how hairy your legs are. (He won’t.)
Before you have kids you can have sex anytime you want. Not feeling up to it? Don’t worry, you can do it tomorrow. Or the next day. Maybe even in the daylight. This is the honeymoon stage and it. is. glorious.
One day you decide you would like to start trying to have kids. This is more like robot sex. It can be very planned and no, you don’t always just do it like rabbits. You have to follow the ovulation calendar and do it when it says to. No sooner, no later. “Save that for ovulation week, dear!” You say with a wink. Romance – 0 Procreation – 1
Once you are pregnant, the sex really starts to change. At first you are too tired and/or sick to think about it. “We just did that, it worked. Back off.” Just as the first trimester passes and you are feeling better, your husband becomes vastly aware that the bump that has now grown in between the two of you is your baby and “Won’t I poke him in the head?” Lots of different positions are tried and not necessarily because you are adventurous, more because you just can’t find a way around that belly.
Postpartum sex – LOL that’s funny.
OK. You will reach the six week checkup point at which time your husband will be waiting on pins and needle to hear if sexy time is approved of by the doctor. There’s nothing more appealing than being poked around “down there” by your doctor then to go home to your husband who would now like to give it a whirl. If you aren’t feeling ready, just say so. If you are, go for it and don’t worry. Most of the time it’s not as bad as you’re thinking it’s going to be. And if it is, there’s always next year!
You have a baby! Congratulations! Welcome to the “I’m so tired I don’t want to look at you” stage. This is usually in the newborn days and can last for the first several months. You are tired, your spouse is tired, and your baby is not. Just hang in there and don’t worry about it. You’ll do it again one day. Until then, let your fantasies about sleeping together go wild. Like, dream about actually taking a nap together. So hot.
Toddler stage – Thank God. Your toddler is sleeping better and now you can finally do it again. But then you realize – if we aren’t careful we could end up making another one of them. Are you ready for that? Can you do the newborn stage again? Maybe we should just wait until next week, just to be safe. Yes, we’ll do it next week. *backs slowly away from each other *
Inevitably, you are going to remember that you are insanely attracted to one another and you are going to slip. You’re going to do it and it’s going to be so hurried because she could wake up from her nap any minute that you forget to use birth control. Bam. You are now the parents of multiple children. Welcome to the “if one more person touches me today I am going to scream” phase. Good luck with that.
School-age children – ahhhh the glory days. Your kids are in school. They have an 8 pm bed time. Everyone in the house is asleep by 8:30 and mommy and daddy have rediscovered their sex life.
By 9 pm you are done and eating ice cream while watching Netflix. Enjoy this stage my friends. The next one is a doozy.
Teenagers. Dang it. You were really on a roll there, weren’t you? Suddenly your kids are now mini adults and they know alllll about sex. You are very aware that they KNOW why your door is locked. They KNOW no one is “taking a nap” or “changing their clothes” or “wrestling”. The thought of them knowing what you are doing or *gasp* possibly hearing you? Nope. It’s over. Maybe when they go to college you will do it again.
Old people sex sounds gross until you realize that those poor people have been waiting 20 years to have sex again.