When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for a mother to dissolve the demands of her family life…
By closing the bathroom door, and turning the shower water to hot. A decent respect to the opinions of the kiddos left to their own devices requires that the mama declare the causes which impel her to this very temporary separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all humans are created equal, that they are endowed by their physical existence certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Soap, Conditioner and the pursuit of Cleanliness. That to secure these rights, it is occasionally necessary to place the requirements of the minor children on hold while the mother enter the bathroom and attend to her own basic human needs. With this truth in our hearts, we offer these advisements for superior maternal shower time.
Article 1. Use the Good Stuff
When time alone is precious, it behooves us to make the most of each moment. Pull out the fancy soaps and lotions from the back of the closet, the time for special pampering is nigh. When you are carving a few minutes to take care of yourself, allow yourself to accept that care.
Article 2. Take Your Time
The average American shower lasts 8.2 minutes. While your laudable desire to reduce water waste may shorten the actual time the water flows, do not skimp on the time you focus on yourself. A minimum ten minute self-care respite is not selfish, it is replenishing the reserves you deplete daily in attending to the needs of your loved ones and in your professional life. Shave if you choose, do the three-minute hair mask, moisturize your scaly knees. This is when you take care of you.
Article 3. Accept the Rest
If you feel moved to lie down and close your eyes, do it. If you are sleep deprived and overwhelmed, be welcome to have a nice, steamy cry. Especially for new moms, the private space of the shower can be a much needed release. It is okay to lose it. You join the community of mothers throughout history who rinsed out their panic and terror along with the silky conditioner.
Article 4. Make it a Priority
In the fog of early motherhood, it is all too easy to lose track of yourself and wait until your hair is actually crunchy to wash it. You deserve more than that. Speaking as one who pulled a bassinet into a tiny bathroom so I could comfort a fussy infant and still wash my feet, everything is better when you do not feel grimy. When the children are older, you are running to beat the clock to get everyone where they need to be on time. Trust that the school bell will ring, the skating lesson will start, the work clock will be punched and you will be better able to cope with all of it when your are comfortable in your skin.
Be it resolved that all mothers, of children very small, very large and all sizes in between, are human beings, and as such deserve to live in reasonably sanitary conditions, despite the time and physical demands of their familial role.
Be it further resolved that the private time and space a woman needs to clean her person is a right.
For the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine massaging showerheads, we mutually pledge to each other our loofahs, our aromatherapy sprays, and our sacred alone time.